Fridays are normally reserved for outfit posts and fun, but I have something a little bigger to share with you. I’m not quite sure why I haven’t shared up until this point. Well I suppose that’s not entirely true. I think I’ve had reservations because I’m still trying to process this major life change.
Today is my last day at my job. I have chosen to leave to become a stay-at-home mom.
Why is it slightly scary to admit that?
I gave my notice back in mid-December but stayed on with the company in order to help them transition. I’ve told family and close friends, but I never really made it “public knowledge” (aka announced to all of the world via the internet). I keep getting, “good for yous,” “congratulations,” and “are you exciteds?” But if I’m being completely honest, this decision brought on way more internal conflict than I could have ever anticipated.
Yes, I am thrilled to be able to stay home with Layla. In the two short months that I was working, I felt like I was already missing out on many of her little milestones. Yes, I think that being a full-time mama is going to be so worthwhile and a positive decision for both me and my baby. YES, I know how incredibly fortunate I am to even have this as an option. Yes, yes, yes, I am truly happy to have this time with my little one. It is going to be such a blessing.
But yes, I am concerned that I’m losing some autonomy and a part of what makes me “me.” Yes, I think about a lack of adult time, how I’ll make new friends, and possible loneliness. And worst of all, yes, I worry that I’m throwing away all that I’ve worked for and an education from two of the top universities in the nation. (Did I really put in years of hard work to just quit my career? Will people think differently of me?) They’re ugly thoughts, but I’ve thought ’em.
Feeling alone in all of it has probably been the most difficult aspect. Anytime I mentioned that I was a bit apprehensive for this major change, people just looked at me like I had two heads. When I voiced my concerns to my husband, he matter-of-factly stated, “then why don’t you just keep working?” I sensed a little bit of judgement from friends, and I felt like I couldn’t completely share or even verbalize everything that was going through my mind.
I know when it comes down to it, I would have felt conflicted with either decision, but the thing is this: I didn’t put in years of hard work because I had aspirations of becoming a CFO one day. I worked hard for myself and for the option to be able chose my own path. And after all my Type-A deliberations, full of list-making, pros and cons, and entirely too much thought, the choice to stay home with my child always won out. The doubts and uncertainties didn’t seem to matter as much, and in my heart I knew that I made the right decision.
So today, I’m starting a new chapter, and I’m excited, but slightly terrified. I think my new boss is really going to give me a run for my money.
*I hope that you will share this post, especially if you know of a mama who might be going through the same thing. This isn’t a pro-SAHM post. It’s just my journey. But I do hope in writing it that other moms out there might not feel so alone if they’re contemplating the same decision!*